I’m Terrified Of Next Week’s Result

I’m finding it hard to stay sane in these early stages.

During the 2 Week Wait I scoured Dr. DuckDuck Go for symptoms of pregnancy. Now that I know I’m pregnant I scour for signs of a “missed miscarriage”. It’s scary how you don’t know. I still have most of the symptoms of a pregnancy.

Everyone says, “Relax. Stay positive.” My husband too.

Normally I could, but my moods have been on a roller coaster. I wake up euphorically happy, sure everything is right with the world. By lunch I feel anger at everything. Then, by evening I fall into despair sure nothing ever works out in the world. The swings are intense, so intense that I feel like I’m a teen again going through the raging hormones of puberty.

Since I follow many infertility blogs I know very well what can go wrong. I’ve read countless stories of that first scan and the devastation the person felt when the doctor said, “I’m sorry. There’s nothing there”.

Will that be me? Will this all crumble?

I feel guilty for being this dramatic. I can keep it in around friends, but these feelings are still there, beneath the surface. The dread of my five week scan doesn’t leave me.

I looked up symptoms of five weeks pregnant and one was “emotional meltdowns”.

They. weren’t. kidding.

adult alone anxious black and white

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

I hate how out of control my mood is and how I can’t seem to be my usual optimistic self. If I’m honest, I’m very worried about the quality of this embryo. It’s E2 never broke 200 before it was taken out. It was the first mature egg we had managed to take out since two years ago.

Right now things feel too easy.

Every night I have vivid dreams. Last night, for the second time in my life I dreamed of a baby girl. Now this is curious because my husband and I dreamed of a baby girl, a daughter, last May during Golden week, exactly seven days apart. I dreamed for the first time of a baby, and for some reason I felt it was a girl. I didn’t tell him about the dream until seven days later he told me he’d dreamed of a baby who he also felt was a girl for the first time in his life.

Neither of us had ever had a single dream with a baby in it before. It might seem like a strange thing to know, but I think you generally know what things you usually dream of. Things in dreams that have never been there before stand out. I know I’ve dreamed of flying and riding on dragons and being psychic. I don’t remember the specific dreams, yet I remember I’ve dreamed of those things. Never have I dreamed of babies until 2018. Not even as side characters in my dreams. My dreams have been 100 % baby-free.

The first baby dream I had during Golden Week was of a vague baby that I only felt was a girl, but had nothing that gave it away. Someone else was holding the child. I never actually held it in the dream. It was there, yet out of reach. I don’t remember why. Oddly enough, my husband had a similar dream seven days later. I was shocked when he told me about his because at the time I never told him about mine. The child was also held by others or in a crib, but we never held it. It was… eerie how similar our dreams.

We could only look at the baby, but neither of us touched the child in those dreams.

Then, last night, for the first time in my life I dreamed in great detail of a daughter strapped to my chest in one of those baby-strap-chest-things. Her hand curled around my thumbs, and I was playing with her and she had bright blue eyes and strawberry-curls. This is likely impossible since my husband is Japanese and any child we had would likely inherit darker coloring.

In the dream I was riding on a train — don’t know where it was going but bright afternoon sunlight streamed in — and I played with her while I sat in the seat. I remember staring into her eyes as she stared into my, laughing and giggling. All I did was play with her like the countless mothers I’ve seen do on trains in Tokyo.

It was the realest dream I’ve had in a long time. When I woke up, I was shocked that the child was only a figment of my imagination. I was also sad. She was a lovely child. Lovely.

girl s white and blue dress

Photo by Johan Bos on Pexels.com

I hope everything works out. I hope dreams do come true.

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7 thoughts on “I’m Terrified Of Next Week’s Result

  1. It’s sad that infertility can put such a dark lining on what should be a happy moment. I made a comment yesterday that part of my fear is that it happened to easy compared to my last ivf journey! I’m constantly prepared for bad news… I change hourly from happy to scared. I know it is hard but try to enjoy each moment because it could end with a healthy baby in your arms and it would suck to look back at your pregnancy where you were worried the majority of it, at least that’s what I did with my first and I’m trying hard to enjoy each moment this time, even though I am anxiously waiting for the next step…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As one of those who have experienced “I’m sorry. There’s nothing there”, I can honestly say it’s the most soul crushing thing especially when we were so excited about having a baby. I honestly hope that’s not you though. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything is fine for you from now until 9 months from now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Omg I can’t imagine how stressful this is for you… I can only wish you all the best and cross my fingers! 😊
    Don’t get too angry about yourself, it’s totally normal you’re stressed, it’s something you deeply care about!
    All my love 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw what a sweet dream! You just reminded me how terrified I was of having a missed miscarriage too. I think when you are so used to going through infertility and things not working out then you just can’t believe that it might actually work. I was scared at times to feel even let myself feel too happy in case I jinxed it, which makes no sense! Try to distract yourself as much as possible! I binge watched “the good wife” between scans. I really hope your scan will go well!

    Liked by 1 person

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