Letting Go

When it comes to certain people, I have trouble letting go.  My mother still can’t let go of her anger towards people who betrayed her. She still fumes about things, and will bore you to death with the story of “that person who ten years ago stabbed me in the back”.

I’ve usually been able to let go of these things.  When I let go, I also forget the person and everything about them. I vaguely remember who hurt me, but it’s very hard. I can’t remember the good times nor the bad times.  I only remember not to trust them and that they did something.  However, the feelings are gone. I can’t even remember why I was angry.  

For me, I have let go of someone when they have become erased from my memories.  It isn’t self-imposed.  I’m not trying to forget them, it’s just what happens when I lose feeling toward something.

Remember that favorite toy that you cherished as a child?

I only remember its existence, but there is no feeling or nostalgia there anymore.  Mr. Tiger used to be my favorite stuffed toy.  My mom still has him, she is more attached to him now than I am because “memories of me taking him everywhere”.  I look at him and all I think is, “Oh, I used to love that toy.”

We forget things we don’t care about.

For me, when I let go, I only remember that person existed in my life. I can’t even recall why I cared or was so worried about their feelings.

However, it’s not easy getting to that stage.  A couple years ago I was really betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. There were red flags all over the place that she was mentally imbalanced and not in control of her feelings.

She has an enemy list 30 names long and she wasn’t even 21 at the time.  I remember the vindictive way she spoke of those people “she discarded”, but she assured me, “I’ll never to do that to you”.  She said they were “toxic” people who took advantage of her “kind heart”.

Then, on my birthday, she sent a list to me of everything she hated about me (she even numbered it) and blocked me on all social media. I was floored. The attack came out of the blue.  In the days before, she was being unusually sweet and acting like we were BFFS.

Slowly, I am forgetting everything about her.  Mostly it’s gone, but it took more than any other failed friendship I ever experienced.  I was very duped and I loss confidence in my ability to read people.

Even though I now go weeks without thinking about her, every now and again the anger and hurt returns. It goes as quickly as it comes. The other day a picture of hers popped up on my social media and I felt a sudden anger.  It passed after a couple minutes, but I was sad. I felt like “still? I’m still bothered by her?”

I hate this lingering anger.  My worst fear is to end up like my mom, stewing over someone who isn’t worth one’s time.

I suppose it can’t be helped.

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9 thoughts on “Letting Go

    1. I’d like to think that, but then I remember her “enemies” list and how she remembered each person who ever “wronged” her. She remembered her evil version of them.

      I regret most that I did not run away after that conversation with her.

      I especially don’t want to end up like her, or with an “enemies’ list”. :/

      Liked by 1 person

  1. That sounded nasty. Clearly she had issues. I had huge fall out with a friend years ago. At the time she said some really horrible things to me and then later she wanted us to just forget it and move on but I was too hurt and didn’t want to be friends anymore. I felt like I had seen her true colours and what she really thought of me. Anyway, I still randomly think of her the odd time and feel sad about the whole thing. But who wants to be friends with someone who secretly hates you?!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Exactly. Or someone who keeps an enemy list and told her favorite thing about the supposed love of her life was “that he is like blank paper and has no opinions on anything”.

      Yeah, once your eyes are opened to the true person there is no forgetting what you saw. It’s like the story of the man and the cave.

      Like

  2. That chick definitely has a personality disorder (or several). Sounds like a sociopath. You know the saying “people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”? Well this chick crossed your path for a reason–to teach you how to look out for yourself and trust your gut instincts. You’re lucky she “dropped” you because she could have gone the other direction and pulled some “single white female” type of sh*t. And look, your life is peaceful. You are a peaceful person. That chick will never be happy–she is a miserable person who thrives on hurting people (and probably animals). You are not a bitter or jaded person. And if you didn’t get therapy before now, may I suggest it just so you can process your feelings and not be so hard on yourself when negative feelings toward this person arise. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you! My husband has felt the same way. Many have said the same thing that it was a good, but harsh lesson in trusting one’s instincts.

      Interestingly, after things fell apart, my husband and friends came forward with their real opinions on her. They had not wanted to “trash” her behind her back, but they all said the same things.

      A couple said they had avoided hanging out with me when she was around because she scared them. (I wish they’d told me but I guess how do you say that)

      It’s always the same comments, “her eyes terrified me. They never look you in the eye. They’re always so wide and roving”.

      I feel kind of bad that I was so charmed and brought someone around my husband and other friends that made them afraid for their own safe. I was like “isn’t she great?” and they would go very quiet and give a “Uh… well if you like her”.

      I have considered going to the work therapist at my husband’s coming (spouses can use her services for free). But I think I’m finally moving on and more cautious now of friendships.

      Thank you for your kind words. I definitely felt I dodged a bullet, getting off so lightly.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s not you. It’s her. I knew someone like this who would randomly defriend people. Usually for the most banal reasons with huge drama associated with it. Anyway I told her one day it would be me. And it was! She used to spy on people on social media who she’d defriended. So when she defriended me, I blocked her on all social media. It was satisfying. I do randomly think of her but only in the way of wondering who she’s defriended this week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, nicely done. I actually know another person who does that same thing. She once confided that she “defriended” someone because they’re life was too happy and she couldn’t stand it.

      :/

      It sounds like you got some satisfying closure and prevented her from getting her way.

      Liked by 1 person

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